Engaging your spouse in marriage counseling

By Lorna Hecker, Ph.D.
Clinic Director, Couple and Family Therapy Center

Probably the most difficult part of marital therapy is getting your spouse to go. In fact, just making the decision to go to marital counseling together seems to start many couples in a positive direction. Research has shown that most couples actually get better between the time they call for marital counseling and their first session. But getting into marital counseling can be a challenge, particularly if your spouse is reluctant to go for outside help. Some of this difficulty stems from beliefs that families should not "air their dirty laundry in public." Yet we no longer live in a culture where young adults have "tribal elders" or extended family they can readily consult when they run into problems with their marriage. Marital therapy is a viable option (especially when other options have not worked) to try to save or help a troubled marriage.

Many people, however, are reluctant to try to engage their spouse in counseling. Some people believe their spouse won't go to therapy, no matter what. Others don't want to cause any upset at home, or they may believe problems are caused by their own dissatisfaction since their spouse may say that they think everything is fine in the marriage. More often, people think that their partner will never change, or that only their partner needs to change. When a partner engages in a blaming stance in the relationship, it becomes difficult to see the spouse in a different light (i.e. as someone willing to get help for their marriage). And yet others have already found their own "solution" to marital problems by compensations such as over-involvement with their children, work, religious activities, an affair or other less productive paths to intimacy.

In addition, therapists' offices are filled with individuals who complain of depression, anxiety, distress and other maladies. If we examined many of these individuals further, we would find that the cause of the distress is a distressed relationship. Yet these individuals do not ask their partner to join them in therapy, and often therapists fail to ask them to bring in their significant other.

If you are in a relationship that is not satisfying, and the methods you have tried to improve the relationship have not worked, here are some tips for how to ask your partner to join you in marital therapy (or premarital therapy or couples counseling, depending upon your situation).

• Ask your spouse to join you in therapy. Most people are just afraid to ask. Express your concern about your relationship in a non-blaming way.
  
  Don't let the myth that "he/she will never go to counseling" dissuade you. While some people may not value counseling, if they value their marriage, and they know how important it is to their spouse, they will go. A good therapist will work to put them at ease once they get into the office. As a therapist, I hear this all the time, and 90 percent of the time, it just isn't true that someone will never go to therapy.
• Don't let your spouse pull you into an argument. Try a broken record technique such as: "We disagree; and we disagree a lot. That's why I would like for us to go to marital therapy." Say it over and over (like a broken record), rather than get pulled into an argument. Also, ask for what you do want from your spouse, rather than what you don't want. Remember that an investment in marital counseling is usually less costly (emotionally and monetarily) than an investment in divorce.
• If you have previously asked your spouse to go to therapy before and he/she refused, ask again, but ask differently. Most people have great difficulty asking their partner to counseling in a non-defensive, caring way because they are hurting. Try, "I love you, I care about us and I need some help in learning how to communicate to you better. I would like to try counseling" Select a time when there are no distractions, and your spouse is rested.
• Lastly, if you absolutely cannot get your spouse to agree to go to marital therapy, go yourself. A good therapist can help you develop strategies to get your spouse into counseling, and at the very least you can change how you are managing your relationship problems.